Life is hard. Afterall, it kills you.

Self Portrait Thursday... (smorgasbord)

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:48:13 -0500

This is most likely complete overkill on self portraits today... but they were all in my phone from last night. I was trying on dresses for a high school reunion (not mine) that I am going to next week. I thought taking pics would help me decide which one I liked better... um, it didn't... ended up buying two and will decide later I guess. Hoping I can lose a few more pounds before it creeps up. Time to hit the gym!!

And then here are a couple of me this morning on the way to work... I didn't have any patriotic wear for the 4th... so I thought I'd show some love to our troops and wear my camo hat today.

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A Curtain of Lies (a poem)

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 23:27:29 -0500

All you see is my smile

the laughter in my words

my eyes sparkle and crinkle

lines of laughter around my mouth

they tell the story of many joys

looking at me, you may not see

the pain hidden deep inside

behind the eyes too knowing

within the laughter are tears

the smile covers the pain

the words that can never convey

a lifetime of disappointment

broken promises, a bruised heart

you see joy and i feel despair

the humor I show hides the anguish

i sit alone in a room full of people

knowing that hope is dead

love is a farce

and tomorrow's shadows

only bring more of the same

more of the pain

and yet, you won't see

anything but a smile and grin

the emptiness hidden

behind a curtain of lies

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Quote your Nieghbor Wednesday...

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:33:12 -0500

I thought I'd better participate in this group, since [Connie] was nice enough to invite me.

I really wanted to pimp my girl J, cause her posts are my favorite of any... and this week was no exception. She says some funny shit. But most of her stuff is private, atleast the good stuff is. Ha. So I had to dig a bit more into my hood to find a good quote.

This week I am going to shout out to Papi�Chulo. This has got to be my favorite quote about politics on Vox. EVAH. Word Papi... word.

"Fuck this shit. I'm voting for my dog. "

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5 word challenge... The whey to my heart...

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:06:52 -0500

How it works: Write an entry of any length or style using five assigned words. Bold the five words. Tag your post with 5wordchallenge and any other tags you wish to add.

This week's challenge words: carpet, jury, pasta, shapeless, whey

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Sitting cross legged on the floor of my children's room, feeling the synthetic material of the carpet irritate my legs, we sorted through books trying to decide which one would be best for our bedtime storytelling.

How about some nursery rhymes kiddos?

What are nursing rhymes mommy?, asked Nate

Rhymes that are told to little kids for them to learn from and memorize. I still remember my favorite one when I was a little girl. (and it's NURSE-RY... not nursing).

Ooooo what is it? Tell us mom!, exlaimed Jenna bouncing up and down on the floor next to me.

Well, let's see if I can remember it, said I, as I rolled my eyes to the ceiling in an attempt to see right into my brain and dig out the dusty old rhyme I haven't recited in nearly 20 years.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet...

What's a tuffet? asked Jenna

A little cushion you sit on, I replied

Like a pillow?

Yes, just like a pillow... but pillow doesn't rhyme with 'Muffet'... so that wouldn't work.

Oh.

May I continue?

Sure.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey...

Whey? What the HECK is that? Jenna asked incrediously as Nate giggled and rolled on to his back on the floor.

It's some kind of porridge I think. But wondering to myself what it was...

Like Goldie Locks and the Three Bears porridge?

Yes, exactly like that.

What's porridge? Is it pasta?

Sigh. It's kinda like oatmeal or grits or something. I am not entirely sure... I've have never had any.

Oh.

May I continue?

Yes.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Up came a spider and sat down beside her...

A spider? Mommy, spiders can't SIT. They don't have BOTTOMS. They are all legs.

Sigh. You are absolutely right Jenna. I'll be sure to pen a firmly worded letter to the author and explain the lack of logical writing his nursery rhyme has. Maybe I should turn him into the authorities for a lack of clarity in his writing? Would you like to be on the jury that condems him for his lack-luster rhyming? May. I. Continue. ?? !!!

Um, sure, but I think this is a stupid nursing rhyme mom.

Bedtime story time is becoming quite annoying to me at this point... my bed, grown-up book and glass of wine are calling to me... I just want to get this done with and go get some rest myself. These kids don't seem ready to let me though.

Like I was saying.... Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away.

I got through it! Thank. You. God. I could feel my glass of wine in my hand and the soft mattress beneath me already... not much longer now. Pleased with myself... I looked at both of my children with a smile on my face, proud that I still remembered all of it.

They looked at me with an expression of confusion and boredom. That's it?

Okay... okay... so it was really only my favorite NURSERY rhyme because of the beautiful illustration in the book I had growing up. Miss Muffet was very pretty and wore a gorgeous fluffly dress as she sat on her big red satin pillow. I guess it was more the drawing that I liked.

Where is the drawing in that book,?, Jenna asked as she pointed to the nursery book in my hands.

I looked down and flipped to the table of contents, found the rhyme. Jenna and Nate scooted closer to me to peak over my shoulder at the twenty-first centery version of the poem. A lack-luster illustration stared back at us. Sitting there in a shapeless dress on a flat little pillow was our modern version of Miss Muffet. Muted tones of yellow and green. It reminded somewhat of what you find on the inside of a baby's diaper... not something to spark imagination and wonder.

She has yellow hair. I like yellow hair mommy, said Nate

That's about the only thing she has going for her, I thought. Looking at Jenna, I could clearly see her disappointment.

She certainly isn't as attractive as the little Miss Muffet in my book.

No kidding! said Jenna with a giggle. She needs a makeover!

I chuckled at the though of Miss Muffet in the chair at our local salon and said, Okay time for bed monkeys, as they climbed into my lap and on my back giggling. I could feel their energy levels rising, ready for some tumbling on the floor.

WHAT?! NO! WE WANT OUR BEDTIME STORY!

We aren't tired yet!!

Sigh. That glass of wine was getting further away by the moment. The carpet was leaving embossments on my legs.

What do you think we just spent the last half hour doing?

Listening to your stupid nursing rhyme, grimaced Jenna.

Yeah, it was 'tupid mommy. We read 'piderman 'tory intead? Nate asked as he batted his long eyelashes at me and smiled sweetly.

NO! The Princess and the Pea Mommy!! exclaimed Jenna

Sigh. So much for wine, book and bed.

Okay get up in bed and hunker down... I'll read both. Give me a kiss first.

Happy giggles are better than wine anyways.

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This story was based on actual events. Do not attempt this at home. Trust me, your children will think you are lame too.

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Time to Count (with TonT, L&Ls)

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:01:41 -0500

.... blessings that is.

I had my indulgence in self-pity. Time to brush off the dust and get back on my feet.

One thing that was kinda cool from Nate's party is that I met another single mom. I wouldn't say we will be best friends or that we even have that much in common, but it will be nice to have someone to get together with and let the kids play (her son is in Nate's preschool class).

This morning I opened my email and she had included me in an email distribution that seemed timely for me. I'd never seen it before, but thought I'd share it with my voxers (as we all struggle from time to time, that's one of the things that connects us):

"Appreciate your shortcomings for where they have brought you. Then release them and be free to rise above the limitations. Savor the disappointments one last time and remember all you have learned from them. Then let them go and eagerly look forward to new and fruitful experiences. Sincerely and completely forgive those who have brought you pain, including yourself. And feel the healing that immediately takes hold. Be truly thankful for having been through so much. Then get busy creating the best of what can be. Let go of the useless drama that is already over. Hold on to the positive value that you've gained from it all. Always there are new possibilities to explore, new ways to grow, and new worlds to experience. With each new now, the world is filled with fresh opportunities to be."

New Sunny Day

Things I LOATHE:

Self-pity
Crying
Feeling alone
My fat gut (ha)

Things I LOVE:

The few true blue friends I have left
Bubble bath with a glass of wine and listening to my itunes
My trainer and my gym
Friends that tell me like it is... honestly but lovingly
Knowing without a doubt that I deserve more from Life
Having the determination to achieve everything I want
Watching old black & white movies until I fall asleep
Emails from school friends catching me up on their life

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Nate's party pictures... and thoughts from a sad Mommy

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:04:07 -0500

The party pics:

Nate had fun yesterday. I am struggling with some grown up emotions over the fact that I invited over 20 families to this party, spent nearly $300 on it, and only 5 children came. It's probably nothing more than a "summer birthday" party thing. However I came home and seriously mourned my previous life... the friends, the family events, the social circle... At nearly 33 years old, this is not the life I imagined. All my friends have pretty much disappeared since my divorce and I haven't had time to make new ones... my family is either too busy or wrapped up in their own bitterness about their lives (my mom) to spend time with... and my love life is in the proverbial trash can.

I keep remembering back to birthday parties from a few years ago... we would have 50 parents and kids... everyone loved coming to our house or to a party we hosted. People looked at John and I as the model couple, we had the house, the cars, the friends, the supportive family. How did it all fall apart? My life is so very different now and somehow I lost the majority of my support system.

And now I feel like everything I do is doomed to failure... And I feel like my kids are the one's suffering for it. I know they want that "family" aspect of our life back too. When John and I get along and start talking on the phone, Jenna will ask "Are you and Daddy getting back together?". When Blue and I were together, they were constantly asking him when he was going to marry me and move to Texas. And God it's sooooo much work doing it all by myself. I just wish I had someone to share the everyday ups and downs... someone to sit next to at the end of the day and lean on. Usually, I overcompensate for that by spending a little of each evening cuddling with the kids on the couch and reviewing our day. Giggling and Sharing. Loving and Laughing.

Now, the kids will be with their Dad all this week for one of his two weeks this summer (he gets them again for a week in August). You would think I'd be excited about a prospect of no kids to take care of for an entire week. Instead I am just really sad and lonely.

And someday they will grow up and have lives of their own. And I guess just thinking about it... all that I've lost... all that I had planned for my life and haven't achieved... well it's overwhelming and depressing.

I really do hate my life sometimes.

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Happy Birthday little monkey!

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:54:50 -0500

My sweet guy is 4 years old today... I put together a slideshow of some of my favorite pictures of him over the years... enjoy.

Also, here is the song we listened to when I nursed him to sleep as a baby. This song still makes me tear up.

06 Lullaby

Dixie Chicks

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Song of the day... I told you so

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:58:31 -0500

I Told You So

I told you so

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I want to come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And Im tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell my that you love me too
And would we cry together
Or would you simply laugh at me and say...

Chorus
I told you so, I told you so
I told you some day you'd come crawling back
And asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I've found somebody new
And you will never break my heart in two again

Verse 2
If I got down on my knees
And told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old-time feeling
Would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began
Would you tell me that you've missed me too
And that you've been so lonely
And you've waited for the day that I returned
And we'd live and love forever
And that Im your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned
And would you say...

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QotD: Words to Live By

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 10:12:31 -0500

What is your personal motto?

Well I can't claim it as merely my own... but's it followed me everywhere I've been since I read it shortly after college.

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Vox Hunt: Sixth Grade Serenade

nobody@vox.com(IrishLuckyLass) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 10:08:51 -0500

Share a song you listened to in 6th grade.

Field trip. 6th grade. A museum or something. Walkman with dual headphones. Beastie Boys. Madonna. Sun shining. Oh yeah. Life was good. And everyone knew (even at 11 years old) that you gotta fight for your right to PARTY. Word.

Fight For Your Right To Party

Beastie Boys

Where's The Party

Madonna

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